As human beings, we hold a deep-seated need for intimacy that can only be met by a romantic partner. Still, there’s also the reality that most, if not all of us, will have single seasons, and the difficult confrontation that we might do this life alone (without romantic love).
I have been single for two years and counting and it’s time we have this conversation…
How can we embrace being single as women without being lonely or feeling left behind as we watch all our friends get engaged, married, and start families?
In this post you’ll learn why being single is good for personal growth and tips on how to thrive in this era, let’s do it?
Table of Contents
Why being single feels harder for women
There are several reasons we could argue that make being single especially hard for women, not impossible, just hard, and here are a few.
1. We’re hard-wired to equate relationships to safety
While the modern woman knows that she’s capable of navigating life by herself this was not the case for our ancestors who needed a man to protect them, hunt, or even women sixty years ago who couldn’t own property or even a dang credit card without a man.
While we might try to outrun this thinking, our nervous systems don’t forget easily, relationships still represent safety for the woman, someone stronger to protect and provide for you and your offspring.
As Allan and Barbara write in their book why men want sex and Women Need Love, we are hard-wired to desire resources from a relationship and men want legacy.
This is the subconscious truth.
2. We don’t do well with casual intimacy
Most if not all women would rather be in a monogamous relationship than a casual friends with benefits or no strings attached.
Why you may ask?
Because we don’t do well with compartmentalizing love and sex, for us these two go hand in hand.
As a result, we desire love and the huge Bridgerton following is proof enough.
3. The biological clock is always ticking
For Women who desire to carry a pregnancy, time is of the essence, most of us even have an age threshold where we ought to have found the right mating partner a.k.a relationship, and get it going.
4. Family and cultural expectations
I am African and tell me why a 30-year-old woman is too old not to be married and having kids?
Why? This is the ever-present pressure you may have to deal with from family or society.
Happy for the liberated souls!
5. Equating relationships to your worth
If past circumstances taught you that being chosen meant you have worth and vice versa then you will always be inclined to be in a relationship whether healthy or not until you learn how to form a secure attachment style.
6. Comparison culture
While social media opened up the world in unfathomable ways it also created the inevitability of social comparison under a false representation.
A 30-second reel of a couple “head over heels” for each other does not suffice the other parts we don’t see, it’s curated but we still can’t help but feel lonely after the algorithm.
Yikes!
But here’s the truth you can desire a relationship(don’t we all?) and still learn how to be single and thriving, here’s why being single can be the best season of your life!
Is being single better for personal growth?
Yes, it freaking is, my most transformative phase has been the single era, and it’s not to say that you can’t grow alongside someone else but there’s just a different ingredient, what do I mean?
1. Identity formation
I got into my first serious relationship ( lasted 3 years) at 20 and looking back I had no idea about who I was or what I wanted from life let alone a relationship.
I have reason to believe that we’re able to do more self-discovery alone, sort of like an anchored ship not being swayed by the winds of a relationship.
It’s important to build an identity that does not revolve around an “us” to confront who you are and your habits.
2. Optimal focus on goals
There are no limits that a single girl won’t take to go after her dreams, she will change cities, pursue more degrees, and so much more without having to take “a man” into consideration.
Sometimes dreams require sacrifice which can be interpreted as selfishness when you have to ask Jake.
You know?
Your single era might also be your most productive era, lean into it.
3. You can heal your attachment style without getting distracted
Being single allows you to actually reflect on how your attachment style has played out in past relationships, which can be hard to do when you’re in the throes of it.
Were you secure? Anxious? Avoidant? In your relationship, how about your ex, and how that shaped the dynamic of the relationship?
Singlehood gives you space to:
- Identify anxious/avoidant attachment.
- Process abandonment wounds.
- Break validation habits.
- Learn to regulate your emotions
4. You raise your dating standards
Cherished and intentional solitude allows you to fall in love with yourself, your life inevitably raising the bar for whom you allow into this sanctuary.
Once you bypass the feeling of being lonely and embrace this season you become unstoppable(stick around to learn how)
5. You build a life that is not centered around romance
As I said eaplier we each must confront the idea that we could spend our lives alone, we might not get that fairy tale ending.
And it’s not the most tragic thing! Not when your life is full not when it’s centered on other equally fulfilling pursuits.
6. You learn emotional self-sufficiency
When single you’re largely responsible for your own emotions and how you regulate them, there’s no “babe can you imagine my co-worker did and said that?”
While you could do this in your support group most of the time we default to using our partners as our decompression support but what happens when you’re single?
You learn to use other emotional regulation tools like:
- Journaling.
- Grounding techniques.
- Positive self-talk.
Embracing being a single woman without being lonely doesn’t mean you minimize your desire to be seen and held by someone else, it’s accepting that sometimes life works like this and that this season too can be beautiful, but how do you do that?
9 ways to embrace being single without being lonely
Notice how I don’t use “feeling lonely” that is because feeling is a human condition but “being” is resigning yourself to a state that you in fact have control over.
So here are a few simple ways to fall in love with your single season however short or long it may span.
1. Have goals
The bigger the goal the better, the more work you need to put in, the more focus you need.
Goals translate to a full life, a bigger purpose, a reason to wake up every day.
Your goals can be sectioned into various key areas:
- Fitness routines.
- Financial goals.
- Career advancement.
- Educational goals.
- Hobbies.
- Better relationships with friends and family.
- Spiritual enrichment.
2. Build a nourishing social circle
As a woman, you need your people, friends, family, and online community.
The best way to build a nourishing support group is to befriend like-minded women who value friendships.
If you have a supportive family and vice versa they will be a glue in your life.
To be surrounded by people who actually pour into you then you must also be intentional in doing the same.
3. Date yourself often
It’s easy to get wrapped in the idea that only a man can afford you a certain treatment but that couldn’t more off!
When last did you take yourself to a solo restaurant date? Or bowling? An art gallery?
Yeah, you can do all those things you wish someone else would do for you.
You might feel awkward getting all dressed up and enjoying your seven-course meal by yourself but afterwards you will feel so fucking proud.
4. Practice enjoying solitude
Relationship with self outlasts any company you might ever have and as such you must learn to be alone with yourself, your thoughts, and emotions.
Most women who have lived alone have mastered this art, but what can you actually do to start enjoying solitude?
- Do activities that you actually enjoy, it could be walk, crocheting, or reading. I’m personally a sucker for feminine hobbies like flower arranging.
- Reframe solitude as a space to get to know and embrace yourself as opposed to boring or time to just be filled in.
- Do mindfulness practices such as breathwork, to not only reduce stress and anxiety but also reinforce presence.
5. Heal old toxic relationship patterns
While some might resort to attachment styles I think that relationship patterns are a much better word.
Unhealed relationship patterns are why you might feel like you’ve been dating the same man in different bodies.
Most of us aren’t really aware of our habits in relationships how they create an unfulfilling balance until we reflect on old relationships.
An example of a bad relationship pattern as published by PsychologyToday.com are:
- The criticize/defend dynamic: one partner is constantly criticizing while the other defaults to self-defense.
- Mountains/molehills dynamic: one partner blows relationship issues out of proportion and the other minimizes them.
Once you’re able to reflect and start healing these relationship patterns, you don’t rush into picking and settling for misaligned partners.
6. Learn self-independence without bitterness
It’s easy to fall into the trap of entitlement be it emotionally, physically, and financially.
But what happens when you’re single? When there’s no one to help regulate your emotions? Pay your bills? Or take out your trash?
Are you able to then function as an adult?
Being single ensures that you learn these things, as Neyo put it “uuh.. there’s something about the kinda woman that wants you but don’t need you.”
Is this to say that any future partner shouldn’t make your life easier? Hell no, but there’s confidence with knowing you’ve got your back.
7. Romanticize ordinary life
Romanticizing daily life looks like doing things that connect you to your sensuality(five senses) and activities that nourish you as a woman, honouring and seeking pleasure.
What do I mean?
- Doing hot girl pilates/yoga/walks.
- Sampling delicious teas at a specific time daily/weekly.
- Writing letters the traditional way ( try with a friend)
- Dressing up in cute flowy clothes.
- Sleeping in silk pjs just because.
8. Raise your dating standards
Once you realize the impact that a partner has in your life, how their habits become yourself and your lives sync you start treating dating seriously!
My favorite TikTok trend this far has been the strict dating program that women are running in 2026 moving forward
You sit down with yourself debate your non-negotiables and if a man crosses that line he gets cut.
Now dating standards go hand in hand with self-worth. So this era is the time to do your inner work.
9. Decenter men and romantic relationships
Here’s a quick, albeit controversial question ⁉️
If you were to die without having found “the one?” Marriage, true partnership, would your eulogy read as a woman who lived a full life or as one who spent time in waiting? Waiting to find him to start living?
In truth, most of us would be in group B, so this is my parting tip… endeavor to live fully to decenter the idea of finding “him” and start living
Do it alone, do it scared, live.
Final words
Most of us women were raised with the idea of a perfect fairytale, a romantic “destination.” But what about the single seasons we bypass quickly?
Being single doesn’t have to mean lonely or boring, get yourself the flowers, the org**sms, chase your goals, and the dog(although I prefer cats)
It’s a wonderful era to be a woman! If an aligned relationship finds you great! If not, you’re still just a whole.
