I recently jumped back into the world of dating after taking almost a two-year break and boy, I wasn’t ready for the revelation that I have an anxious attachment style 😭
So this post is really deep, not just to me but to every other person who gets triggered, anxious, overgives, and needs constant reassurance from their partner/ romantic pursuits.
Today I am here to reassure you and myself that you’re not unlovable, unworthy, needy, or whatever else you feel you are.
We shall cover the various adult attachment styles, signs that you have an anxious attachment style, triggers, and tips on how to navigate dating as someone with anxious attachment style.
You deserve to feel safe in your body and in your relationships.
Let’s do this together!
Table of Contents
Types of adult attachment styles.
The attachment style theory originated from British psychoanalyst John Bowlby who was trying to understand the behavior exhibited by infants separated from their caregivers.
Further research by multiple psychoanalysts revealed that attachment styles are formed in our formative years, reinforced through various experiences and they become the foundation for how we interact with our adult relationships, be it with our caregivers, friends, and most importantly, romantic partners.
There are four anxious attachment styles and although you may exhibit behaviors across several you will note that you’re predominantly either of the following:
1. Secure attachment style.
This kind of person has high self-esteem, believes they’re lovable, and has no issue reciprocating the same.
2. Avoidant attachment style.
They’re withdrawn, avoid feelings especially those of criticism, pull away when things get real. They crave love but their attachment style doesn’t allow them to receive and reciprocate fully.
3. Anxious attachment.
They’re fragile, overly emotional, require constant reassurance, overgive in love, and battle with low self-esteem.
4. Disorganized attachment style.
They exhibit both anxious and avoidant tendencies, which makes them unpredictable. They may desire extreme closeness or distance. They also tend to have low self-esteem.
To learn more about which attachment style you fit into I recommend taking this free attachment style quiz.
Signs that you have an anxious attachment style.
Most people with anxious attachment style are wired for depth.
For me, jumping back into the dating scene via a dating app might not have been the best idea until I stumbled upon a guy who skipped the entire small talk; there was none of that “what’s your favorite color,” and instantly my emotions were piqued.
We’re having great conversations for a week, I’m talking about the whole “I want something serious” type of shit, but then the guy reveals his on-and-off behavior.
Disappears for 3 days, comes back, apologizes, and goes ahead to give me that mentally and emotionally stimulating conversation.
At this point, my nervous system is screaming for help.
I am anxious, excited, sad, disappointed, and desperately waiting for this guy to text right.
Until I go wait “wtf am I doing?” I started researching why I am having all these emotions, thus this blog post.
Let me dial it back to what are the signs that you have an anxious attachment style which is especially more prevalent in romantic pursuits.
1. Self-abandonment.
This looks like putting your life on a hiatus until your “attachment figure” reassures you, acts a certain way.
Everything else in your life takes a back burner (goals, family, friends, hobbies, wellness).
2. The mouse chase.
Remember how Tom never caught Jerry, yeah that will feel like you chasing, double texting, initiating with no desirable results.
In fact, the more you chase, the further they slip.
And I am guilty of double-texting on many occasions.
3. Nervous system irregulation.
As I mentioned above, you might feel all kinds of conflicting feelings at this point, your nervous system is in fight or flight.
The anxiety is followed by the brief excitement when he gives you attention, followed by anxiety and sadness when he withdraws.
And if you’re lucky enough to have a “secure attachment figure” who gives you loads of reassurance and empathy, the moments will still be there, but the dip won’t be as sharp.
4. Feelings of low self-esteem.
Unfortunately the mind of an anxiously attached person interprets rejection especially that of an idealized attachment figure i.e mine was the dating app guy as data of their lack of worth or unlovability.
5. Matyr tendencies.
Okay, hear me out, there ain’t nothing wrong with wanting to be a Mother Teresa…the only concern is why are you doing it?
You are willing to go above and beyond just to be likable, to keep them in your life, you abandon your standards and do more of what goes against your belief system.
For example, with the online dating guy, I kept accepting that it’s okay for him to disappear for days, return with a sweet tongue, and pick up where we left off.
And mind you this is not the most cringe people pleasing thing I have done out of a fear of loss, I have done worse, yikes.
9 Tips on dating as someone with anxious attachment.
One thing is for certain, anxiously attached people do not navigate dating the same way that a secure or even avoidant person does, and sometimes it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
And while I do believe that we can heal our anxious attachment style and become securely attached, I am aware that this doesn’t happen overnight it takes years of work, but until then you’re still deserving of love and butterflies…
But how do you navigate dating as an anxiously attached person without spiralling or worse self-sabotaging, here are some tips I’ve learnt along the way that might be of great help.
1. Emotional pacing.
I really cannot emphasize how important this is especially in that talking stage where you’re starting to feel emotions.
What do I mean by emotional pacing?
Match your partner’s energy, don’t overextend, don’t offer up more, be it in texting, in person, and this is especially easy for you as a woman because you’re not the pursuer, match his pace, lean into your feminine energy.
If he gives you short texts, do the same; long the same, match availability with warmth, and unavailability with checking yourself out.
What this does is to prevent premature idealization and one-sided emotional intimacy.
I understand that this can be especially hard when you’re first love bombed, and the withdrawal leaves you feeling empty, and you start to chase that intimacy, but then again, nothing is easy, right?
Which leads me to…
2. Have boundaries, start small, and build on that.
Mmh, this is a hard one for us, especially when we’re starting to idealize someone, build castles, and whatnot. That is why I need you to do this before going back out there again.
“What are my non-negotiables in a relationship?”
And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you will break your boundaries sometimes, and you will regret it.
For example, one of my core boundaries is that my future partner or even someone courting me must be able to provide emotional consistency, but I still let a guy disappear on me for days, and again I regretted it, and my wrecked nervous system was proof.
So have a list of the emotional/physical/mental needs that must be met to avoid triggers.
You don’t have to start big, start with the things you feel confident enough to walk away from, i.e, “unkindness in a man,” then build on that as you gain more confidence.
3. Limit contact with your triggers.
Until you delve into the dating world, you won’t know your triggers, but once you do limit that contact like it’s a disease, like Corona, I am not kidding.
For example if man’s inconsistency makes you anxious and spiral, it’s time we limit contact, I swear that you’ll miss the story you’ve manufactured about the connection you share but you will feel more grounded in yourself.
Out of sight out of mind is a motto you will need.
If it triggers you try to avoid it, especially if it’s a person who’s not willing to lessen the discomfort and change their behavior.
Speaking of avoiding….
4. Avoid dating people with an avoidant attachment style.
I am not saying that avoidant attachment style people don’t deserve love, everyone does.
But these people are not for you.
We’re on the completely opposite ends of the spectrum, one is running, the other is craving “get in your clothes” closeness. The aftermath is complete devastation and hurt.
While most anxiously attached people are actually self-aware and willing to work on their attachment style, most avoidants’ self-perception is skewed.
So …Run…run..
And find you a securely attached man who won’t trigger you every waking hour and won’t mind reassuring you and maybe even letting you in their clothes? Idk
If you pay close attention in the dating stage a person’s attachment style will be revealed, do they fear emotions? Do they take responsibility for how their actions might affect you?
5. Practice loads of self-compassion.
A lot of empathy for yourself goes a long way in managing and even healing your anxious attachment style.
You will screw up, overgive, self-pity, sabotage, do embarrassing shit, all in the name of being chosen, but you know what?
At the end of the day, you’re going to come home to yourself, to your awareness and thoughts, and to your stomped heart.
You will cry, “Please do,” then give yourself grace and remind yourself that it was your attachment style’s way of keeping you safe, because you don’t know any other way, but in due time, you will learn.
6. Communicate your needs properly.
“Omg, what if he leaves me after I tell him that this and that are really important for me in a relationship?”
Well fuck it… It might not feel like it at the moment, but he’s making space for “your guy,” someone who will honor the needs you deem important to be happy.
Anxious attachment will have you thinking that there’s no other person for you other than the one who can’t even meet half your emotional needs, but guess what, there is…you might have forgotten for a minute, but there is.
So don’t be scared that if you share your needs and boundaries that you will lose them because…
Do you really want to settle down with someone who can’t even meet the bare minimum emotional needs you have?
I thought so.
7. Don’t numb your emotions.
We feel a lot, don’t we?
The disappointment from the cancelled date, the sadness from yet another fairy tale gone tragic.
Believe me, I know it, and the secret is to feel it all instead of trying to numb and ignore it.
Give yourself a window to think about them, what transpired, the emotions you’re experiencing, a time to grieve the fantasy of the connection that might have blossomed, because only then can you resign yourself to the situation.
8. Learn how to self-soothe.
I hate to say this because I hate to hear it, but we’re adults at the end of the day, your emotions are your burden.
The scientific term for what happens when your attachment style gets triggered, and you react, i.e, by double texting, confronting without thinking, etc, is called “hyperactivating.”
Your emotions become like boiling milk and in that moment you must learn to self -soothe before going to your attachment figure for reassurance, a fight or whatever.
And therein lies the real struggle for anxiously attached people.
Every time you get triggered in that moment where you feel sad, lonely, angry, etc, I want you to take the time to ground yourself, restore your inner equilibrium before inviting the second party.
How do you do this?
Choose a simple activity that makes you feel calm and helps you rechannel the adrenaline and calm the anxiety, ideally something that doesn’t require a lot of brainpower I.e
- Brain-dump journaling.
- Cooking/making tea/smoothie..
- Physical movement, i.e, a run, swim, or dance.
- Somatic shaking releases stress and anxiety that is often stored in our bodies.
- Watching a fav show because why not.
- Lastly, and my fav, place your hand on your chest, breathe, and repeat affirmative statements like “I am loved, I am safe, their actions are not proof of my worth.”
9. Lastly, dig deep into your past (roots)
At the beginning, we discussed that attachment styles are formed in our formative years and even at other life stages as a result of experiences.
Before you even attempt to heal your anxious attachment style, it’s really important to go back, whether through journaling, therapy (recommend both), as they say…
You can’t cure what you don’t know.
This is not a disease but a coping mechanism a survival tactic we developed from experiences.
Every day I learn that it’s something I must and you must continuously work on so as to be happy and fulfilled in ourselves and our relationships.
Parting short.
Thank you, dear reader, because I now have no choice but to drink the water that I preach my words to you, hold me accountable.
I hope that my tips on how to navigate dating as someone with an anxious attachment style will save you from a lot of heartaches and disappointment and steer you towards healing and more aligned relationships.
As I similarly learn how to heal from anxious to secure attachment my final message is that “you’re not broken or needy, you love deeply and you’re deserving of everything you put out there.”
Till next time 💖 don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter, let’s keep tabs on our healing journey.
